insomnia soul mate

Last spring I was having a lot of trouble getting sleep; I was adjusting back to life in the States, worried about decisions regarding my senior year and overwhelmed with course work and extra-curriculars.  Where one would think this would cause excessive exhaustion and over-sleeping, instead the same kind of insomnia I had in my second year at Westminster returned.  So, when I have insomnia, I fall into a state of mind that straddles the dream world and the waking world.  When this happens, I usually have really weird thoughts like this that I manage to somewhat coherently, albeit blindly, type into my iPhone's notes.  I just discovered this one a couple of weeks ago (yep, didn't even know I'd written it) and thought I'd pass it along. Not necessarily profound, but I have always wondered what people mean when they use the word 'soul mate' and I think this was my unconscious trying to create a definition.

4:33 am: I've always wondered if a soul mate is someone who fills the gaps that exist in our lives or if that person has the same holes in his/hers and they'd help each other understand how to handle those voids because they have a lot in common. Or maybe it's neither. Maybe that person is willing to be with you through every hard time or over-dramatic breakdown. Maybe that person sticks by your side whether it's helping pick out the wallpaper for your bedroom or holding your hand when your grandmother passes away. Maybe that person doesn't solve your problems, but offers their coat when you cry so much you get the chills. And understands you sometimes have those mornings where you get really mad over a spilt cup of coffee but laughs and grabs a paper towel for you. Maybe that person is willing to listen to you complain about the end of a TV show or to forgive you when you missed their mom's birthday. Maybe that person knows you so well that they can tell just from one look what kind of day you've had at work or what's on your mind. Maybe that person makes life easier just by simply being in their presence.  Maybe that person never gives up on you even when you've made an awful mistake. And maybe that person doesn't ever walk away even if they feel like they can't keep going. But that person realizes giving up is pointless and that working through a problem will bring them closer together.

A soul mate. Sounds pretty lovely to me.


x
Hill

Uncomfortable comfortability

A few days ago I started to feel a little homesick for my tiny town of New Wilmington.  I was missing enchiladas and salsa from El Canelo, my favorite Jazzman's worker who always knew I wanted an extra shot of espresso, seeing Amish buggies on my walk to class, my home church service, being able to drive home for a bubble bath if I had a rough day, and generally meeting up with lifelong friends and family for dinner or study dates.

Even though it was a fleeting moment, maybe lasting an hour or so, I still got that feeling in my stomach where it was as if I'd just done an upside down loop on a roller coaster.  I was aching for comfort, the normality and usual feeling of home life.  Sometimes I think we get so caught up in comfortability that we don't let ourselves live life fully; we get too scared to take that one step off the beaten path because we don't know what's on the other side of the woods (or in my case, the ocean).

I struggle with living in the uncomfortable moments of life.  I found out on my first trip to Scotland that I have a hard time functioning in those times that are foreign or don't make sense.  I would always get frustrated when friends and family from home would claim I had so much "bravery" for leaving little old New Wilmington and completely immersing myself in a new culture.  Maybe I had the courage to make the jump, but I wasn't initially embracing the bravery everyone claimed I had once I reached the British Isles. . .until I started to realize how much I was growing from being an American, recognizing that I didn't know everything about the country I was staying in.

I'm still constantly challenged to live in the present, open myself to unknown adventures and not fret about the consequences of every single decision. Over the past year, my identity as a woman of God has helped me realize the number one thing I needed to work on (and still need to work on every day) is living in uncomfortableness.

Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

As a Christian, I recognize that I'm not called to be content with my life, even once I've found my niche, found my home or discovered my calling.  Every day I should be working toward fulfilling His purpose, whether it's simply making someone smile, doing well on an essay exam, or volunteering on a Habitat for Humanity summer trip.  A life of comfortability isn't enough.  Yes, I am happy and thankful every single day for all of the blessings I receive, but to solely rest in those gifts isn't enough.  I need to constantly work toward bettering myself-and that means leaving my flat, getting out into the world, and discovering how else God can work in my life.  Because watching Netflix isn't going to make me a better person (hence the cancellation of my beloved account during Lent and for the rest of the semester).

Being uncomfortable is not always fun, but it's in those moments of awkwardness and confusion that we find further comfort in previously foreign situations and understanding in previously unknown concepts.  We grow, we learn and we expand our knowledge of what else the world has to offer and how else we can be a blessing for others.

Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known."

In the spring of 2012 I made the decision to take one of those leaps of faith without realizing it would lead to immense growth in my independence, individuality and spirituality.  I left my comfortable home to face discomfort in a parallel universe known as the United Kingdom.  Never did I think I would feel reverse homesickness when I returned to New Wilmington, missing ceilidhs, a real cup of tea, cobblestone streets, Tesco runs and friends that became extremely dear to my heart.  I was missing a new comfortability that I never would have known if I hadn't decided to feel awkward and foreign for 4 months. And I am so thankful for that fear!

Embrace discomfort, enjoy awkwardness and learn to love new people and places.  Don't rest in the stagnant pond which sits in your backyard, float down the rocky river which travels along the unknown. 

xx

Hill

poetry corner pt. 2

Sometimes my thoughts don't quite make sense so I try to creatively organize them - which also doesn't always work but it acts as an outlet for those aching thoughts that we can't always shake away.

I don't really think poetry always has to make sense. That's the beauty of it, right? It can be interpreted differently for each reader because words all have different meanings, connotations and associations for each individual.  Words are so wonderful :)

"Stay gold, Ponyboy"

It mingles with sea shells,

resting

in the morning shadows.

A silent reminder, fuzzy

like the edges of a paperback novel.

The enduring whispers

twiddle through my fingers,

softy strumming

on broken guitar strings

simply fixed, but slowly forgotten.

bittersweet

You forgot me

as I laughed on the dark sidewalk.

I was the odd color and the mad smile

and you, the hidden keyhole.

on my mouth the wind of the summer

trickled forth

and an apple rotted

on the floor of your mind.

xx

Hill

white blank space

Some of the best nights are completely unplanned, unexpected and unforgettable.  Sometimes the unnoticeable appears on a road you have walked down many times, suddenly opening your eyes to a place, a sign, the smell of drink and the sound of music; all you have to do is make the choice to walk through the door. 

The 22nd of February was one of those days where I let spontaneity take me where it wished.  The only thing on my agenda was watching the Ireland v. England Six Nations rugby match at my friend’s flat, assuming I would go home afterward to have a spot of tea and get ahead on some homework.  The thing about Scotland, though, is I have learned to have an open mind about the day’s events.  Although my planner is chockfull of events, club meetings, course work due dates and coffee catch-ups, there is white blank space, waiting for adventure, like a 3-hour concert at a hole-in-the-wall pub in the heart of Stirling, Scotland.

We settled in (pun intended) on the upper floor of the bar, an arch of white-painted bricks looming over our heads in the dimly-lit intimate space.  Once live music took the place of the usual background noise and chatter, the lovely company and great banter completed the atmosphere, making for a perfect night.

After fiddling with the Christmas lights strewn around the tiny stage equipped for a one-man band, host Will Bell opened the night with the Ramones’ hit “Blitzkrieg Pop.”  The audience started singing along once they realized Bell would not let the lack of crowd participation ruin his show.  The 31-year-old Northern Irish completed his short set with a couple of original tunes and the crowd-pleasing “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus.

Following Bell, University of Stirling student George Gilman took the stage with folk tunes and original material, pairing traditional and contemporary music into his set.  Gilman started out on the guitar with an impressive classical style similar to Ben Howard’s tuning and fingering.  With each song, Gilman drew the crowd deeper into his presence, their ears and eyes eager for each lyric. The set kept its liveliness as Gilman switched between guitar, banjo, harmonica and vocals.  Gilman appropriately ended his set with an a cappella version of “The Parting Glass,” a traditional Irish song recently covered by Ed Sheeran on the album +.

The last act of the concert was performed by another local Stirling student, Martin Rowbottom.  Recently involved in the music scene around Stirling, Rowbottom made his debut on the Settle Inn stage, showcasing his guitar expertise influenced by blues and classic rock artists like Jonny Cash and Pink Floyd.  Rowbottom played a set of mostly original material intermixed with the Lumineer’s smooth and haunting “Slow It Down,” and an Allman Brothers tune.  Rowbottom skillfully handled a 12-string guitar, slide guitar and lapsteel guitar during his performance.  The bluesy mood set a chill tone for the rest of the evening, perfect for winding down after a busy day.

The Settle Inn’s Cave of Wonders was an unplanned discovery that was meant to happen.  Bell’s pep and Rowbottom’s rhythm complimented the emotional journey I experienced during Gilman’s set.  I was in the right place at the right time and everything was as it should be: peaceful, reflective, comfortable and content. 

The next time you find yourself overwhelmed with plans, commitments, and appointments, take a risk and allow spontaneity to rule.  In an American society, it is easy to get caught-up in the crazy busyness of every day life that we often find we have forgotten to breathe.  Make some room for blank space, take that chance, and open an unopened door. You never know what you will find; it could be just the thing you have been searching for. 

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."

xo

Hill

(all photos found on The Settle Inn facebook page :) )

A tree branch in the road. . .

      As I sit here on a sunny Scotland morning, (yes, it’s actually sunny!) I can’t help but think about why it was so easy for me to make a return trip to this country.  I’ve never been too great at reading signs.  Everyone always tells me to “look for a sign from God, and then you will have direction in your life.” While this is a true statement to some degree, because there is a clear path to heaven, it doesn't mean He has a clear path for what you will spend the rest of your life doing while living on earth.  

        I like to think God gives us a choice; there are many forks during our life’s road trip and we have the power to make a decision which leads to different experiences but will eventually result in the same ending point or life purpose.  He knows our hearts, our personalities, our strengths, our weaknesses - and because of this, he knows the ultimate reason for our earthly life but he doesn’t limit the way to reach the end result to one specific journey.

I have trouble making decisions whether it’s what drink to order at a coffee shop, which pair of running shoes will be the best for my workout routine, what to do for a summer vacation, whether or not to pursue graduate school or look for a job after graduation, or where I can see myself settling down in the future.  Some of these are pretty simple decisions, but others not so much.  Decisions aren’t easy for a reason; they force us to think about the good and bad consequences and to focus on our heart’s desires.  Sometimes spontaneity is the best answer because we don’t bog ourselves down with all of the “what if,” “how,” and “when” questions.  Regardless, we have a choice.  God doesn’t send us a letter in the mail with all of the answers, it is up to us to discover where He is leading us whether we spend time making a choice, or go out on a whim without looking back or looking too forward.

I know God has placed me in Scotland again for a reason and now it’s time to listen: during a walk around the castle grounds, a train ride to Edinburgh, or a quiet morning with paper and a pen allowing my thoughts to come together.  I know He has given me options: leave on my scheduled flight, extend my stay until my visa expires, look for a job and apply for a work visa, continue research on Scottish literature at graduate school, or get married in the next four months (kidding, Dad and Mom).  Jokes aside, He has given me these options and this location for a greater purpose and now it is up to me to make a decision so I can fulfill my calling.  There will be success, failure, disappointment, encouragement, love and hate but each situation and each decision will mold me into the person He has made me to be-and that’s terrifyingly exciting.  And that’s life.

x

Hill

Poetry Corner: An Ode to the 8th Grade

I have been doing some more winter cleaning today, namely going through old school files that I've been keeping in a rubbermaid container.  I found some poetry I wrote in 8th grade and I couldn't resist sharing it.  Funny how different we were in our past, but also how not too much has changed. . .we've really only matured in our personalities.

This is a picture of young 12-year-old Hillary, who loved dolphins and photoshoots, obvi.

Fall (a poem)

Leaves are falling
Halloweens coming

Weather getting cold
leave colors bold

lots to do
on a fall afternoon

never to get bored
for fall is in store.

A Hero

Heroes are gallant
They ride on great steeds
but they don't have to be a king or queen

They can be you parents
or even your friends too
it can be your pet, its true!

Ode to the Steelers

Oh Steelers, Oh Steelers,
please win the Superbowl.
With Polamalu on defense
I know we can start a brawl
I know we can win
the 40th Superbowl.
I have no doubt, for we have Roethlisburger as well.
The Bus will stop the Seahawks,
dead in their tracks
I know we can do it
for we are the Steelers,
Mighty, brave, and strong.

Friendships are like a Book

Sometimes they last for ages,
at times they can be quite short

Sometimes your made to have them
because your parents make sure you do

Sometimes they can bore you like crazy
or fascinate you so much

They can be lifely and colorful
but dull and colorless just as much

You can get sick of them
when you're halfway through

Or want it to last forever
and never make you sad and blue

Sometimes they're short and sweet
or long and annoying its true

They can be adventurous and fun
or fake and unrealistic, too

None are ever the same
and may have a twist at the end,

but eventually you'll find,
one that is a true book or friend.

Summer Daydreams

Sitting in class I get so bored
I'm getting sick of these winter storms.
I often dream of a summer night
when I stare up at the sky with the stars shining bright.
I picture a pool with all my friend there
we're splashing & swimming without a care.
Now we're back at my house camping out
and all of a sudden we hear a shout
I run out of my tent to see who is there,
and its just one of my friends trying to give me a scare.
My mind flashes to vacation at the beach
I step on the hot sand and start to screech
so I run to the water and splash around
Oh how I wish I was at the beach now.
All of a sudden I see balloons and clowns
I'm at the fair with everyone in town.
My friends & I run to the nearest stand
and wait for the old man to stamp our hands.
Ice cream, lemonade and cotton candy thats blue
we even ride the ferris wheel too
and then I remember that I'm in school
and the teacher stares at me like I'm a fool
"sorry," I say as I look out at the snow.
Summer daydreams have started - its time for winter to go.

And for fun, another little ditty I found: 30 Thing I Learned in 2005

1. Make sure the hot tub is heated before you get in it in 40 degree weather.
2. Look both ways before you cross the road.
3. Don't get caught trying to finish your homework during that class.
4. Never go to Wal-Mart on the 4th of July.
5. I don't like AOL.
6. Never pull a prank on your older brother.
7. Don't eat raw mushrooms - ever.
8. Make sure you're good at sight reading when your band teacher is in a bad mood.
9. Never fall asleep at a sleepover; you never know what you could wake up with.
10. Don't ask you mom to go to Wendy's if she had a bad day.
11. Asking your brother a question while he's playing X-Box is not a very good idea.
12. Don't eat yellow snow.
13. Don't cut your hands 3 times in one week - the bandaids may run out fast.
14. Wearing sandals when it's high tide, night time, and you're looking for ghost crabs in NOT a smart idea.
15. Try not to get separated in haunted houses.
16. Check if there's anything in the oven BEFORE you turn it on.
17. Don't leave your cat locked in the porch - there will be a big, smelly mess.
18. Soy banana milkshakes are gross - don't buy one by accident.
19. S'mores are very delightful in the microwave.
20. Throwing socks at a ceiling fan is entertaining on a hot summer day.
21. Don't lay in the middle of the street in New Wilmington.
22. Make sure your swimming suit is completely on before diving in.
23. Don't underestimate the saying of your parents having eyes in the back of their heads.
24. Sometimes, 10 blankets isn't enough when you sleep on the porch.
25. Don't forget to unplug your straightener before you go to school.
26. Too much sparkly cider on New Year's Eve can make you hyper.
27. Don't drink Dunkin' Donuts biggest Iced Latte in one night - you'll be up till 3 in the morning sick to your stomach.
28. Bring gloves to football games.
29. Don't be the first one on a water slide train of people - it hurts.
30. My advice: sing in the rain and dance in your underwear; you only have one life to live :)


Happy Throwback Thursday, y'all
xx
Hill

Baking 2014: Protein-packed granola bars

At the start of the new year, ideas of healthy eating and daily exercise work their way into our daily thoughts.  We think about all of the egg nog we drank, the pie we consumed and the amount of time spent on the couch relaxing with Netflix or a good read.  And we collectively decide "2014 is it; the year I get healthy and treat my body with respect!"

Health wise it's been one of my best years.  During my tween-teen years I got away with eating complete junk (and a lot of it) on a regular basis and managed to not gain a pound. But now that I've reached my 20s and my metabolism slowed significantly, I had to start paying more attention to how I was treating my body.  After 2 years of a physical activity hiatus I decided it was time to learn how to use a treadmill and the weight equipment in the gym.  Thankfully I started to love it after I got over the initial agonizing pain in my muscles, but, like usual, I began Christmas break 2012 and hit another fitness slump.  When I don't treat my body with care, I feel down in the dumps; I lack motivation, positivity, energy and my usual cheerful attitude.  I take advantage of the surplus amount of free time pn break and allow my body's normal functions to become zombic robot-like (I think I just made up that word).

This past year and a half I learned how physical activity and healthy eating really DO make you feel better.  As much as it pains you to crawl out of bed at 7 in the morning to do a work out before the gym, at the end of the day you notice how pushing yourself to get in some cardio naturally fuels your body for the rest of the day and actually makes you crave apples and oranges (I swear by this...)

Now to the point of this post: Because morning workouts are best before taking a shower and heading to work/school, sometimes it's easy to forget to eat breakfast on your way to the gym.  If you're like me and intentionally sleep in your work-out gear so you can roll out of the bed and be on your way, having something to eat on the walk or drive is essential.  I found 2 protein-packed granola bar recipes to give you the energy to kick start the day; it's delicious, easy to make, full of nutrients and lacks all of the nasty store-bought preservatives.

Granola bars are one of those recipes you can self-create along the way and exchange this ingredient for that ingredient (which is perfect for those who are selective about their fruit/nuts).  In the first recipe, I added peanuts and dried apricots and in the second, I added peanuts and peanut butter. Both turned out great and I can't wait to eat them in the next couple of weeks!

Honey Fruit & Nut Granola bars

1 cup old-fashioned oats
1 1/2 cups steel-cut whole grain oats
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1/3 cup honey
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
1/4 cup coarsely chopped almonds
1/4 cup coarsely chopped unsalted peanuts
1/4 cup coarsely chopped dried cranberries
1/4 cup coarsely chopped dried apricots
1/4 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided

Heat the oven to 350 F, line a 9x9 inch pan with aluminum foil.

Toast the nuts and oats on a baking sheet for 5-10 minutes then transfer to a large bowl.

Combine the butter, honey, brown sugar, vanilla extract and the salt in a small saucepan and heat over medium until the sugar has dissolved completely.

Pour butter mixture into the bowl with the oats and nuts, stirring until everything is coated.  Add the chopped dried fruit and half of the chocolate chips.

Spread the mixture into the pan and press down with your hands (the harder you press, the more likely your bars will keep their shape and not become crumbly granola).  Sprinkle the top of the bars with the remaining chocolate chips and lightly press down.  Cover and refrigerate for 1-2 hours until firm enough to cut.  Bars will keep up to 1 week in an air-tight container.

Nature Valley Peanut Butter Copy-Cat Granola Bars

1 cup steel-cut whole grain oats

1/2 cup old-fashioned rolled oats 

1/4 cup Rice Crispies cereal

1/4 cup chopped unsalted peanuts

3 tbsp cornmeal

Pinch of salt

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/6 cup honey

1/6 cup peanut butter

2 tablespoons canola oil or coconut oil

3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 tablespoon brown sugar

Preheat oven to 350 F.  Line a 9x9 inch pan with parchment paper.

Combine oats, nuts, cereal, cornmeal, baking soda and salt in a mixing bowl.

Heat the honey, peanut butter, canola oil, vanilla extract and brown sugar in a saucepan over medium heat until the sugar is dissolved.  

Transfer the butter mixture to the mixing bowl and combine until completely coated.

Bake 20-25 minutes.  Let cool 10-15 minutes before cutting into rectangles.

xx,

Hill