(im)perfectly lonely

there's nothing quite like the holiday season becoming a reminder of your singleness.  exhibit A: thanksgiving dinner my cousin asks "hillary, do you finally have a boyfriend yet?" "nope." "what?? why not?" "they're just not that into me. i'm used to it." "well how about we go out over christmas break and find you a man." "uh, yeah i don't know." "i just really think you need a boyfriend to mix things up. you're a pretty girl, i don't understand why you've never had one."

okay, stop. what? i need a boyfriend? why do people feel sorry for you when you're single? is it a curse or something? actually, to respond to your statement, i was fine without a boyfriend until you brought up the fact that i don't have a boyfriend and then i thought about how a boyfriend would be nice to cuddle with. . .yes. i admit a boyfriend would be quite lovely- but ONLY if it's the right guy. unlike some other girls, i wouldn't just date somebody so i have a boyfriend. that's just insane. if i need a cuddle buddy, i'll turn to my cat. that reminds me. . .i posted this about 4 months ago on my Tumblr:


Sometimes I worry I’m going to become a 50-year old unmarried woman, sitting in my own library, smoking hookah because I went through a mid-life crisis and thought buying a hookah bong would be a practical purchase, surrounded by 10 cats, sipping a cup of tea and wondering what to make myself for dinner. These are thing things I think about while I’m staring at the ceiling in my room, trying to fall asleep. I think of the worst things before I go to bed. When I was little I would think about pearson park and twister-That’s why my mom told me I had nightmares about tornadoes and bears. And now i think about being eternally single and then I have dreams about being lonely. I wish there was a button to turn off my brain before I go to sleep. I guess I’ll try to focus on ice cream, amusement parks and John Mayer. Sleep is bound to be pleasant that way.

so yes. this topic comes up often. and by often, i mean it's atleast a 3 times per week occurrence. whether it's my mom nagging me about "the latest boy situation", my friends trying to set me up with someone, or  me randomly worrying about being single the rest of my life, it's just one of those topics that never seem to disappear. relationships are the core of life. we thrive on human interaction. love. it makes the world go round. literally and figuratively.  so how can we NOT think about relationships? to put it simply, we can't. it's human nature. but sometimes i wish i didn't feel victimized for being single. I LIKE BEING SINGLE. for now it is so nice to have one less thing to worry about. i can focus on my schoolwork, my faith, my family and my friendships probably more than all my friends with boyfriends can. sure, it's lonely sometimes, but for the most part it is completely relaxing, peaceful, and reflective. when i think about the times i've attempted relationships where the boy ultimately ended up flaking on me, i wonder why people EXPECT me to push for another relationship to happen again. it hurts. it sucks when you feel like you aren't good enough. it's a self-esteem wrecking ball. reflecting on my history, the single life has proven to be more satisfactory (at least until someone sweeps me off my feet. . . ). eventually i won’t have much time at all to myself, so i'm very grateful for having this alone time. life is good, even if you’re alone some of the time.


so here's to holding out for number one. for the perfect match. it will happen for me eventually, but i can't mope around, acting as if my life is terrible because i'm single. and i can't let anybody make me feel like i'm worthless because i live the life of a full-time single woman.  anybody who makes me feel inferior obviously has insecurities about their self.  you aren't living life to the FULLEST if you're pining over somebody, crying because you're single, planning a wedding without the groom or waiting around for mr. perfect. i promise you it will happen. and it will happen WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. but in order to find somebody you love, you have to BE someone YOU love. make sure you are happy with yourself before you try to make someone else happy with you.


"i'm not running, and i'm not scared. i am waiting and well-prepared." -john mayer


words of wisdom from the chicas at hellogiggles.com (which is perfect for this blog post):


http://hellogiggles.com/single-girls-guide-20


and some of my favorite The Holiday quotes (because they're relevant and because it's the holiday season)


"He's a schmuck. He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend."-Miles


“I understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends.You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wondering what you did wrong or how you could’ve misunderstood - and how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. But after all that - however long all that may be - you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff - those years of your life that you wasted - that will eventually begin to fade.”-Iris


be the leading lady, not the best friend.
fondly,
hill